Reflections on 2011...

New Year’s Eve…kids asleep or with friends, brand new journal with a new title page “January 2012” underneath my verse for the year written out, books and Bible study materials stacked (well really scattered) in my chair, Bible software updated, Bible reading plan decided upon, reading list done…New Year’s Eve. Doesn’t everyone spend New Year’s Eve this way? Now comes the hard part. The time for reflection, although I have been doing that very thing for at least a week…reflecting on 2011.

It has been a particularly difficult year in a difficult series of years. Just a few days ago, I was reflecting on God’s goodness and provision. Yesterday I was dealt a blow that sent me to my knees, struggling, grasping for breath. So many unexpected twists and turns this year many were fantastic, yet so many were devastating. I wondered if my reactions to these things and other things in the past were in keeping with the image of Him whom I am to reflect. I thought of this most recent blow. My reaction was to take a drive on the Colonial Parkway for three hours. I’m not sure this was reflecting Christ and it could be considered bad stewardship considering the price of gas currently, however, it kept me from an angry, hurt outburst and allowed me to hear His still, small voice, so I have to believe it was…well, right. My reflections included the many times have I failed over the past year but as Oswald Chambers wrote in My Utmost For His Highest (December 31st), “Our yesterdays present irreparable things to us; it is true that we have lost opportunities which will never return, but God can transform this destructive anxiety into a constructive thoughtfulness for the future. Let the past sleep, but let it sleep on the bosom of Christ. Leave the Irreparable Past in His hands, and step out into the Irresistible Future with Him.”

Reflecting on the uncertainty and murkiness of this “Irresistible Future” reminded me of Paul’s writing in 1 Corinthians 13 at the end of what we commonly refer to as the “Love Chapter.” In verse 12 he writes, “Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known."

Somewhere in the midst this reflecting, I became hung up on the word that described exactly what I was doing…reflection, to reflect…realizing there was a duality of meaning there bouncing around in my head. So I pulled out my handy dandy dictionary…my second favorite book when I am studying…to see exactly what good ole Webster had to say in defining these terms.

Reflection - a thought, idea, or opinion formed or a remark made as a result of meditation; consideration of some subject matter, idea, or purpose.

Also it can mean - the production of an image by or as if by a mirror; something produced by reflecting: as a: an image given back by a reflecting surface b: an effect produced by an influence.

Ding, ding, ding!!! My reflections (thoughts, ideas,meditations, considerations) are poor reflections (mirror images, something produced by reflecting) of things I only partially know or understand. In my “today” I am known fully by my unchangeable, faithful God and He sees fully. But one day…one day…when we are face to face, so shall I. But what do I do while I wait and as I step out into the “Irresistible Future” with Him? According to the last part of Webster’s definition, something is produced by reflecting. An image is given back by the reflecting surface, an effect produced by an influence. Who’s image is given back “as if by a mirror” in my daily walk? My influence should be Christ…if so, what effect is being produced? Paul, once again, sums it up rather nicely in his second letter to the Corinthians…just a side note but this makes me wonder if the church at Corinth had some reflection/mirroring issues! In chapter 3 and verse 18 he writes,

“And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.”

The Lord Will Provide...Yahweh Yireh

Genesis 22:1-19

Provision...Abraham...great man of faith, facing a crisis of belief the magnitude of which I have never experienced, ever. I can't even begin to imagine my response to the Lord had I been asked to sacrifice one of my children. I am sure it made absolutely no sense to him, especially after being promised that his seed would come through Isaac (Genesis 17:19; 21:12), the very son God was asking him to slay. It certainly made no sense to Isaac to be climbing the mountain, equipped to offer a sacrifice and worship, with no animal (lamb) for the sacrifice. Thus the question he ventured to ask his father, "The fire and the wood are here, "Isaac said, "but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?" (v. 7b). Abraham's response? "God himself will provide the lamb..." (v. 8). Here is great faith. Nothing logical about this request from God, but Abraham gathered up a couple of servants, cut the needed wood, secured fire, loaded the donkey, traveled for 3 days, in obedience, because he believed in God's provision. Sometime during that time of travel or maybe right away, as soon as God spoke, he concluded, "God himself will provide the lamb...".

Knowing me, it would have taken the entire 3 days of travel to come to this conclusion, and even then, it probably would have been a half-hearted one. But Abraham believed it because as he told the servants in verse 5, "Stay here with the donkey while I and the boy go over there. We will worship and then we will come back to you." (Emphasis mine). "...I and the boy...we..." Not only did Abraham have faith, it would seem he also had all the details of how things would unfold all worked out.

In Hebrews 11:17-19, the great "Roll Call or Hall of Faith", a few more details surrounding the mind set of Abraham are revealed. Verse 19 states that, "Abraham reasoned that God could raise the dead." While I am sure many other things were going through Abraham's mind, there are two things Scripture reveals to us, two conclusions, two concepts that Abraham wholeheartedly embraced and believed about His God...

The first was that God would provide (Gen. 22:8)
The second was that God could raise the dead if He had to (Heb. 11:19)

Either way, both he and Isaac would return...alive...and God's promise to him would stand. Hmmm...maybe there is a third concept here that Abraham believed...

God keeps His promises.

So, what happened? God provided...a ram...!?! (Gen. 22:13) Not a lamb...a ram. How interesting! Abraham was raising the knife to slay his most precious possession and looks up to see provision literally caught up right in front of him. Obviously this is not exactly the way Abraham thought things were going to work out. He was wrong about the process and the details, but he was right in concept. God honored Abraham's faith even in the midst of Abraham's erroneous ideas about how it would happen. Ultimately, Abraham believed God to be a God of provision...and God came through.

Currently, I find myself going through a time when I really have no idea how things are going to turn out. Scripting out my life and in particular my future is something I have to be aware of (or should I say beware of), especially right now. I waste and have wasted in the past, entirely too much time fantisizing and scripting out different scenarios when I am clueless about the direction of my life. God has so often shown Himself in the most unexpected ways during these times. In fact, so much so that I like to refer to Him as the God of the unexpected. I just love that about Him!!! I think Abraham would agree! Maybe we should list that as one of God's attributes...well, it is probably just that we are so dense about His ways, or just dense where He is concerned period, that He works in "unexpected" details.

So, I am moving ahead in faith, believing that God provides!

Lord, give me the faith of Abraham, who might have had the details
wrong, but recognized and had You as his Jehovah-Jireh, Yahweh Yireh,
and that was so perfectly...
right.

DWELLING PLACE

With broken heart
I come today,
Needing Your love
To light my way.

You call me back,
I will return
To where You dwell
As my hearts yearns...

For the place of sanctuary,
Refuge of unfailing Love;
Surrounds me like a Fortress,
Warms me like a glove.

The Love of my life,
Oh, You make me glad!
Everything to me
In You to be had.

I enter Your courts
Homesick and yearning;
With praise and with joy,
My spirit is burning.

The place where You dwell
Within my own heart,
Flows with Pure Love
That will not depart.

Overwhelm me with Your presence
Here in this dwelling place.
I seek, knowing I'll find You,
Precious Lord of every grace.

Groaning Faith

Thoughts won't form, words don't flow
The pieces fail to fit my life
Unanswered questions grow and grow
Can we end the pain and strife?

I know my faith, sometimes so small
A mustard seed, in fact
Will carry me right through it all
I have no doubt of that.

But now I struggle through tears and fears,
Doubts, insecurities, and pain
My past, present, and future appear
All broken and uncertain.

The will to try,
The strength to maintain,
To understand why...
Should I count this as gain?

Dreams forgotten and shattered,
Hopes and promises blown to the wind;
Years seem wasted and forgotten,
Days stretch on without end.

Who I was and am, boxed up and hidden,
Afraid to reveal the truth.
Confrontation something to avoid...
My life, the living proof,

To do nothing is my desire,
To change and move on is required;
Nothing leads to nothing,
Anything is something.

Holy Spirit, Your groans echo through my heart.
Father, Your tears wash and cleanse by burdened soul.
You feel the emotion that won't depart;
You carry me on to meet Your goal.

The recesses of my mind and spirit
Bleed, but healing begins.
Heaven's Hand touching wounds - I don't see it,
But heart and mind feel, and know, deep within.


Written in March 1998 during a time of brokenness, betrayal, and loss. I remember time in those months when I had no words to pray and would open my Bible to Romans 8:26 and let the Holy Spirit groan and intercede for me. I believe tears were cried for me in heaven...no one hurts like a parent does over a grieving and hurting child...and no one loves like our ABBA Father.

"...So that they may worship Me..."

Edited from a journal entry - February 13, 2009
Thoughts from today's Bible in 90 Days reading...

I have to confess that I have a tendency to be very shallow about reading straight through the Bible in a certain period of time...:-) I think it stems from a minister telling me one time to just read it without thinking, not to dwell on it, but read it like a novel. I don't know, his whole attitude about it hit me wrong, but I tried it and it didn't work...I kept stopping, praying, researching...etc. I tend to think, "No thank you, I'll just read passages and let God 'speak' to me through them." But in spite of this, I have read it through several times, writing down questions that come up as I go and going back later to research...still, I have not always considered it a priority spiritual discipline. It has only been since Monday that we have been reading and already, God has spoken!!! I have asked Him to let me approach this differently and indeed He did right from the beginning. While I have written down the things that are standing out to me and questions that arise...today's reading prompted quite a journal entry...many pages that I will try to condense for this note.

Our reading...Exodus 1 - 15. Not a surprise to anyone who knows me, but the "standout" today was surrounding worship...in particular corporate worship...why should I be surprised when this is the very area where I am currently having struggles. I am teaching my K4 class at DBCS a song now about Moses and it repeats the line, "Pharoah, let my people go!" Interesting that we always quote the first part of that verse (in movies, songs, etc.) but leave out the second part of the statement, "...so that they may worship me." Huh? For goodness sake, I am a worship leader and I have overlooked THAT part so many times. So what's up with that? It comes up at least 9 times in these passages that I counted. The people were enslaved to the Egyptians, they were not "free" to worship God as a nation, as a "congregation." God wanted them free, out of captivity...why? So that they could WORSHIP Him...freely, obediently, and as He directed them...interesting concept, isn't it? :-)

Then He spoke to me...we cannot worship freely as long as we are enslaved and/or captive to someone or something else. Pharoah's heart was hard about releasing them and allowing them to freely worship. So is Satan with us...he is hard. He will enslave us in any way, shape or form to prevent us from worshiping God freely in "spirit and truth." He wants the worship that is God's alone.

Interesting that the elders of the Israelites accepted Moses and Aaron and in 4:29-31, believed and worshiped after they spoke with them.

Interesting that the Israelites (the people) did not listen, believe or worship when Moses spoke to them because of "discouragement and cruel bondage." (6:9)

Interesting that just after the Lord told Moses what to say to Pharoah (4:22-23), He became angry with Moses because he had been disobedient by not circumcising his son. Moses was not exempt from the covenant (Gen. 17:4-14) just because he was a leader...God expects complete obedience, period.

Interesting that the Lord said to Pharoah, "But I have raised you up for this very purpose, that I might show you my power and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth." (9:16) God has a purpose for EVERYTHING, even hard hearts...and His Name WILL BE proclaimed!

Be still - let God fight for you (14:14)...Ok, Lord, I will, I will...Glory to Your name!

Ha ha...that was the condensed version...

A Squirrel's Tail (Tale)

Edited From a Journal Entry - February 27, 2009

I was in tears…I AM in tears this morning…sitting at my computer, praying…odd place, I know, but lately I pray EVERYWHERE and for EVERYTHING…it is how I MUST live…it is how I SHOULD live!!!

An hour earlier, at 7:00, I had received and sent a series of emails that had me...well, in tears obviously. EVERYTHING in life was dwelling heavily on my soul. Physical, serious financial difficulties, employment worries, personal attacks, family, single parenting, fear of failing God, separation from friends, working two part time jobs but needing a full time with benefits...all I want is to be able to provide for my family!!! Millions of questions and concerns on my heart and mind this morning…usually I am more at peace than this. With a heavy heart, I decided to at least try to put some clothes and makeup on so I didn’t scare anyone…red nose and puffy, swollen eyes with dark circles under them are so becoming! I had things to do, places to go, and people to see.

As I was heading upstairs, I glanced out the window that runs the length of my front door from top to bottom, and there at the foot of the steps was a squirrel with something big and brown in its mouth. It looked like a small animal, but I thought, “No, Kathi, squirrels are NOT carnivores”. I actually smiled and thought, "but then again, it does seem like they will eat anything!" It made me laugh out loud…which was therapeutic in and of itself…nothing like a good laugh to keep your spirits up. Then I heard God speaking through that little squirrel. Not “out loud” of course, it was not a dramatic representation of Balaam’s donkey…but He was speaking to my spirit. The squirrel was looking really hard at me, but didn’t run away. I realized that what he (or she…kinda hard to tell, you know) had in his mouth was a huge chunk of brown bread. The thing was bigger than his head. I wondered where on earth he could have gotten something like that…probably out of someone’s garbage can, since it was trash day…or maybe it was thrown out into someone’s yard, intended for the birds…or maybe just intended for whatever critter happened to snatch it up. It really didn’t matter…God was speaking. “I will provide…I will provide…for your needs and the needs of your family.” Tears coursed down my cheeks…”Yes, Lord, I know…You have been my provision for so many years…You have provided when I thought there was nothing…You and I have history, experiences, so much, so much, and so, so many times, You have blessed me…I know…I remember.” By this time the squirrel had given up watching me...he probably thought, “Stupid woman, what’s your problem,”… and was wandering around my flower bed no doubt looking for a place to bury the bread. I always wonder if they remember where half of the stuff they bury is…I know I wouldn’t and I like to think I am more intelligent than a squirrel!!! I guess the bread was too big, which therefore meant he would have to dig a tremendous hole, which would have been a lot of work first thing in the morning, or maybe he was just really hungry…I don’t know, but whatever the reason, he decided to jump up into the bottom branch of a dogwood tree and eat the entire chunk right there on the spot.

You know, that little squirrel had no clue when he woke up this morning where his breakfast would come from. He had no idea whether or not he would have to forage for it himself or if it would be the gift of a benevolent human. He had no clue…but God provided. He got up and went about his business of finding food, and there God was…providing through an unlikely source. Again, I like to think I am a little more intelligent than a squirrel but this morning, I was worried…something I am not normally prone to. “Today” is a new day that I have been given. Today, I will trust. Today, I will praise God because today, I have all I need. Today, I remember that there are many so much worse off than me. Today, I acknowledge that God is faithful. Today, I choose to serve Him. Today, I will stand firm and be of good courage because my God goes before me and He will deliver me, comfort me and provide for me. Today, I seek Him first, knowing He has the answers, knowing He loves me, and knowing He is working everything out for the good…according to HIS plan, not mine.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?...But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 8:25-27, 33, 34)